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Sluggers Game Summary
at AOL Time Warner
May 7
Red Hat Sluggers Gone Wild
Sluggers down Conglomerates 14-2 before a sell-out crowd in season opener
--BOSTON, May 7, 2002
“You’ve got a mailed in win.”
The AOL Time Warner Conglomerates gift-wrapped the Sluggers’ opening day win with four errors and a paltry offense. The Sluggers’ new owners, the Red Hat, were happy to see their new investment sail to a 14 to 2 victory while sporting their new maroon and gray uniforms. Their fans were too. Playing to a capacity crowd, the Sluggers showed that they know how to sling the leather and swing the aluminum.
Defensive Play of the Game
With the Sluggers protecting a one-run lead, a large, doughy bespectacled man stepped to the plate. Brian “Wightman Can’t Jump,” hung a curve ball over the plate, and the portly gentleman—known by the official scorer as simply Big White--got all of it. He hit a sure home run that just wouldn’t stop cruising to deep left field. The normally rowdy Slugger fandom hushed as they watched in despair. Keeping that “never give up” attitude he preached so much in spring training, Will “The Natural” Jamieson got on his horse. As the wily veteran, Dan “Dinger” Landesman taught him, Jamieson turned his back to the rocketing ball and ran straight back toward Storrow Drive. Not far before the breakdown lane, Jamieson looked up for the third time at the screaming line drive, then put his head down, stretched out completely, and dove straight backward. He tumbled, rolled, and came up with the ball in his glove, having caught it on the way down. The Sluggers’ vociferous fans erupted in jubilation.
Other Defensive Highlights
Michelle “Ball First, Base Second” Zoltowski, took her nickname a bit too seriously on Tuesday. Sacrificing herself to prevent the batter from getting extra bases, Zoltowski put her body in front of a wicked liner that smacked off her left biceps. The paparazzi have been swarming the Zoltowski household in Duxbury in an attempt to snap a picture of the bruise. Word has it that Baseball Weekly will pay $2,000 for a color photo of said bruise. “MZ is a tough cookie,” said Kristen “Killer” Smith, who is no stranger to toughness herself. “She took one for the team, she sat out for a third of an inning, and she got right back out there. She made us proud to wear the uniform.”
Playing right field, Brandon “Waiting For” Guttman got an impressive assist. He threw a seed to shortstop Tony “Skip” Vinciguerra to force a runner at second on a routine single to right.
Offensive Play of the Game
How does a routine single turn into a home run? In a word: wheels. Steve "Wheels" Baer used his speed to force two “official” AOL TW errors, turning a would-be single into a “home run”. First, the Conglomerate’s sloth-like defense failed to get to a bloop in the gap in right. Then the right fielder threw wildly toward second base when Wheels challenged his arm by kicking it into overdrive after rounding first base. Baer took the opportunity to run to third. Not realizing that they were up against the fastest baserunner in MDC League history, the fielders tried another throw, this time to third base. The throw was wide and in the dirt. Baer put it in neutral and glided home.
“You can’t coach speed,” Coach Tony said as Wheels crossed the plate. “Speed forces errors. Speed kills.” Isaac “The Tool Man” Taylor added, “Speed has no slumps.” He speaks the truth. Baer has never worn the collar for more than one game.
Other Offensive Highlights
Dan “Dinger” Landesman is off to the start that all his fans expected by hitting a two-run homer in his second plate appearance of the day. In the fourth inning, Landesman roped a no-doubt-about-it liner to deep center to bring home Will “The Natural” Jamieson, who was at a second after his two-out double extended the inning.
Batting 1.000 on the day:
Stats from the Maniacal One
Here are this week’s off-beat stats from the Maniacal One:
- Six of the Sluggers’ 14 runs came with two outs.
- The Sluggers had 22 hits and only left four runners on base. AOL Time Warner only had eight hits and stranded nine runners.
- Brian “Wightman Can’t Jump,” who pitched a complete game in the season opener on Tuesday, only pitched one complete game in the 2001 regular season. Wightman averaged less than five and a third innings per start in 2001.
- Matt “The Rock” Ronzio’s most impressive foul ball in the third inning that almost reached the MDC swimming pool was 337 feet on the tail of the tape. Oddly enough, that is not the longest foul ball in team history. On June 5th against State Street Bank, Brandon “Waiting For” Guttman hit a frozen rope that cleared the chain link fence and hit the brick wall beyond the swimming pool. Our “experts” measure that hit at 453 feet.
Player of the Week
Brian “Wightman Can’t Jump” started to show signs of wear in the bottom of the fourth inning when he started the frame by walking a pair. After a brief mound conference with Wheels and Coach Tony, the Lehigh University product reached back and found he still had some mojo left in the tank. He struck out the next batter, known to the official scorer as Girl White Visor Blue Pony. “Walking people is not my bag, baby,” Wightman said after the game. To the surprise of many of his fans, Wightman is starting his own line of cologne. “MOJO is a quality cologne,” Wightman said in a press conference this spring immediately following his signing of a three-year, $4 million deal with RoosterGear.com, makers of the scent. “Besides, the part of the proceeds from the cologne go towards the 900 number bills racked up by computer programmers across the US and Canada. I really believe this is a worthwhile cause.”
Back on Planet Earth, Wightman pitched a phenomenal game. His numbers looked like this: 7 IP, 8 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 BB, 3 K, 0 HR
“That’s the slow-pitch softball equivalent to a no-hitter. Any time your pitcher’s strikeouts are greater than the walks, and the hits are in the single digits, you’ve got yourself a win,” Coach Tony stated by teleconference for his post-game press conference to the Red Hat. “That’s especially true with the offense this team has. Wighty threw a hell of a game for us today. And he’s a Gold Glove winner too. Look at those assists he has. He’s on his way to a second Gold Glove. This game is all about defense. Look at the errors column.” A quick glance to the errors column shows that the Sluggers only had one miscue, while AOL Time Warner had four “official” errors.
See Wightman’s Player of the Week stats here.
The Rumor Mill
Rumor has it that the Sluggers may kickin’ it old school with a Throw Back Day this season in which they wear their old green and white uniforms. Watch this space for updates. Let’s hope they never bring back those old mesh maroon and yellow Mosby shirts from the 1997 season. Those were on par with the Houston Astros’ “Rainbow” uniforms.
Thanks from the Coach
Tony “Skip” Vinciguerra took a moment during his post-game press conference to give some thanks. “First off, I want to thank Dan “Dinger” Landesman for doing all the coordinating, haggling, and traveling involved in getting us our new uniforms. They are damn spiffy. Second, I want to thank Wendy “Wender Woman” Millard for playing the role of Official Scorer. She lost her voice from yelling out the lineup. She kept a fair, clean, legible book, which really helps our stats people. Most importantly, she wrestled that valuable scorebook away from our new team mascot, Louis. Finally, I want to thank my beautiful wife, Michelle, who remains patient with me every season. She waits up nights when I come back from those long road trips. She finds a way to sleep while I’m pouring over box scores, statistics, and scouting reports into the wee hours of the morning. She understands when I have to head to a meeting with the equipment manager, the players union, league officials, or the uniform designers. She’s been supportive through and through.”
Next Game
See the Sluggers extend their winning streak as they host the MDC Mad Cows on Tuesday, May 14th on Field 1 of the Esplanade at 6:00 PM.
Batting Summary
| Linescore | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | | R | H | E | | Sluggers |
2 |
0 |
0 |
7 |
0 |
5 | 0 | |
14 |
21 |
1 | | AOL Time Warner |
1 |
0 |
0 |
0 |
0 |
1 | 0 | |
2 |
8 |
4 |
Pitching Summary
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Sluggers
