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Silence of the Slams Sluggers stymied in 6-1 loss to Conglomerates --BOSTON, June 25, 2002 “It would be useless for any player to attempt to explain successful batting.” --Tris Speaker, Boston Red Sox and Cleveland Indians Hall of Fame outfielder (1907-1928) They say hitting is contagious. If that’s true, then not hitting is an epidemic. Nearly every player in the Sluggers lineup is suffering from the Lack of Hitting disease. They are having bouts of it. “Is there anyone lonelier than our third base coach?” mused struggling designated hitter, Julie “Scotch Guard” Scotti. How did the AOL Time Warner Conglomerates hold a team that scored 62 runs in 11 innings earlier this year to just one run in this seven-inning match? A careful look at the scorebook explains the simplicity of it. F7, F7, F7, F4, F9, F7, F7. You’ll see fewer F7s in a photography class. Notice that there isn’t a single F10 or F8 in that mix. The righty-heavy Sluggers lineup was swinging for Storrow Drive when it should have been swinging for that huge hole in shallow center. The Conglomerate outfield played super deep and had six balls hit right to them. The Sluggers batters never adjusted and paid the price. Ironically, each team had 13 hits. The difference was that the Sluggers stranded six runners on base. The Conglomerates simply finished the job and capitalized on the two Sluggers errors. Sluggers poet, Julie “Scotch Guard” Scotti said it best when she spouted out. “We didn’t hit for [expletive]!” in the post-game press conference. “Our players weren’t playing their game tonight,” Sluggers hitting coach Robert “Stretch” Orleman, said in his post-game press conference. “There are no fleas in this locker room. We’ve got plenty of dogs wearing the collar.” Sluggers rookie Teddy “Ballgame” Johnson jumped in to cut through the negativity by adding, “We’ll get back on track next week. June and interleague play were too much for us. We’re a second half team. We’ve always been a second half team.” Did we mention that he’s a rookie? Offensive Play of the Game Dan “Dinger” Landesman’s RBI double in the first inning is this week’s Offensive Play of the Game. It was the only extra-base hit for either team, and like Rod Carew, it brought Landesman back to his youth when he was a skinny, barefoot kid hitting a tennis ball with a broomstick on the quiet, manicured lawns of Natick, Massachusetts. “It’s good to see Dinger swinging the stick good again,” said first base coach, “Good” Stan Hunting. “It’s no secret that his incentive-laden contract calls for a lot of ribbies and extra-base hits. If he doesn’t perform up to the standards he set in his early years, it could be a long cold winter for him.” Fortunately, Landesman isn’t relying completely on his salary from the Sluggers to put food on the table. His contract does forbid him from doing endorsement deals, but his lawyer, Adam Bemporad pointed out a loophole in that contract--it’s only valid in the United States. Landesman promptly signed a lucrative contract to become the new sexy male spokesmodel for the Canadian division of Dr. Scholl’s. “The Canadian Dr. Scholl’s are every bit as good as their American counterpart,” said Landesman. “They make a quality product that I use during every game. My cleats fit much better, which keeps my feet happy. And it’s true what they say: feet are for life.” Other Offensive Highlights Isaac “The Tool Man” Taylor’s failed swinging bunt brought a lot of rules to the forefront. Let’s set the record straight. A batter may not bunt in softball, however a batter can hit a swinging bunt. But if said batter fouls the ball off while attempting a swinging bunt, the batter is out. This is what happened to Taylor in the third inning. “I for one applaud Taylor’s attempt to jump-start our offense,” said Sluggers Special Hitting Instructor, Wendy “Wender Woman” Millard after the game. “Maybe he likes to be the cynosure of our games at times, but more importantly, he took a chance at making an exciting play in an attempt to spark our quiet bats. It didn’t work out this time, but that’s softball. Sometimes the breaks go your way, and sometimes they don’t.” A quick glance at the stats below shows that the offensive highlights were few and far between this week. The fewest Sluggers yet batted 1.000 on the day:
Defensive Play of the Game This week’s Defensive Play of the Game occurred when Wendy “Wender Woman” Millard and George “The Hit Man” Hart turned two to end the second inning. It was a text-book F10, 10-3 double play. With a runner on first, Millard, playing shortfield in shallow right, stabbed a liner and quickly threw a bullet to Hart to catch a Conglomerate who was slow to return to first after the flyout. Honorable Mention Always showing true grit, Will “The Natural” Jamieson made a nice running catch in shallow left for the second out of the fourth inning. We’d be remiss in failing to mention the hot dog play by the Sluggers manager, Tony “Skip” Vinciguerra, who had a nifty assist in the first inning by flipping the ball with his glove to Michelle “Ball First, Base Second” Zoltowski, who was covering her usual haunt, second base. Zoltowski showed the results of the extra infield practice she’s been taking before games. She tallied four putouts in the game. Teddy Points After each game, at the Red Hat, Ted “Ruxpin” Johnson hands out points given for the little things that don’t show up in the box score but still contribute greatly to the team’s success. Here’s what Johnson had to say after the game: “Before I award this week’s Teddy Points, I’d like to make an announcement. The player to finish the season with the most cumulative Teddy Points wins dinner for two in the North End. As extra incentive, I am going to double all Teddy Points earned against CRP. I want to beat those [expletive]s! Excuse me. I just get a little emotional sometimes. Now, onto this week’s award.” “In an otherwise disappointing performance there was but one play that earned a Teddy Point tonight. And it was one for the highlight reels. The Birthday Boy [Tony “Skip” Vinciguerra] turned in a glove-flip to second to get the force on a scorcher that would have made Ozzie Smith proud, were he still alive. What? He’s still alive? Oh. Um...well, it would have made him proud were he there to see it.” Stats from the Maniacal One Here are this week’s off-beat stats from the Maniacal One:
Player of the Week Sluggers manager and shortstop, Tony “Skip” Vinciguerra was voted Player of the Week for going 2 for 2 as the leadoff hitter. His defense is starting to show some improvement as well. He used to have the lateral movement of an oak tree. He seems to be getting more mobile with age. Perhaps the wheel chair is helping. See Vinciguerra’s Player of the Week stats and photo here. The Rumor Mill As stated last week, one major league scout reports that he saw former Sluggers shortfielder, Matt “In The” Hunt taking batting practice in the Sluggers practice facility in Fort Myers, Fla. Will the Sluggers make a roster move and call him up before their mid-season square-off with the MDC Mad Cows? Quotes of the Week
Next Game Batting Summary
Pitching Summary
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